Well, okay, theres a little more to the story than that, and it wasn't entirely the fault of the Ice Cream, although the Ice Cream did play a role.....
After getting of work this morning about 2 am, I decided to stop by Wal-Mart and pick up a few things before heading for the house. Now, keep in mind that it's been 100+ degrees, with heat indexes around 110.
As I'm walking past the frozen foods, I definately hear something calling my name. It turned out to be a box of Klondike Bars. A yummy, chocolatey frozen box of heaven. Well, when something like that calls your name, you don't ignore it, you go with the flow, so in the cart they went.
I checked out, and headed to the parking lot where my trusty Saturn waited. As I walked out the door and into the lot, I was greeted by an unusual sight. A police car, sitting on the edge of the lot with lights flashing and siren wailing. Huh? What's going on, I said to myself. Yes, I do talk to myself a lot, and sometimes answer too....
So, I very slowly walked to my Saturn, while trying to figure out what was going on. In front of the police car was a little red car, just sitting there. No people, no cops, just a little red car minding it's own business, and a very loud police car with siren still wailing and lights still flashing.
Got the groceries loaded into the car, put up the cart and stood there a couple more minutes scratching my head and wondering still, what was going on...
After a couple minutes, I began to hear this little voice crying "Help me, I'm melting!" Oh no, my yummy Klondike bars were in danger of becoming not so yummy in the heat. I decided I better head for the house, so I could get the air conditioning going in the car and save my precious cargo.
Yes, the red car was still sitting there minding it's own business, and the police car was still sitting there flashing and wailing, but what the heck, I was never going to figure out what was going on any way.
So, I start the car, pull out of the space, and head for the exit. Now, wouldn't you know it, about this time here comes Cop #2. We will call him Scary Cop, for reasons you will soon understand.
Now, I'm heading for the exit, dreaming about the cold, vanilla and chocolate goodness waiting for me at the end of my 20 minute drive, and not paying much attention to anything else. So, here comes Scary Cop, lights flashing, siren wailing, flying up the road. The "interesting" part of my night has begun.....
Scary Cop flies up to the Wal-Mart drive, screeches around the corner, and slides to a stop, right in front of me. So, not wanting to endanger my Klondike Bars by hitting a patrol car, I come to a stop too.
Scary Cop bounces out of his patrol car, draws his Frickin Huge Cannon of Death, and.....POINTS IT AT ME! He then screams at me, "Let me see your hands, RIGHT NOW!!!"
Gulp!
My hands take on a life of their own at that point, and fly out of the window dragging me sideways against the door. Lefty and Righty are trying as hard as they can to reach up and touch the stars by now....
After several seconds of this rather uncomfortable position, Scary Cop tells me in a SLIGHTLY calmer, but still LOUD voice, to turn off the car and throw the keys out of the window. Well all righty then! Right hand reaches back in, grabs the keys and throws them half way across the damn lot, then resumes trying to touch the stars.
Scary Cop then walks up to the car, still pointing his bazooka at my face, and tells me to exit the vehicle and walk to the front of the car, slowly.
So, I open the door, convince my suddenly wobbly legs that they CAN support my weight, and do as the nice man said. I place my hands on the hood of the car and spread my legs as directed by the Still Scary Cop. After all, he's the one with the howitzer still in his hand!
While he is patting me down with one hand, and holding on to his super sized bullet launcher with the other, I'm trying to figure out if I really wet myself, or just think I did....Oh, HEY! You're getting a might friendly there Officer.....Guess I didn't wet myself, he didn't get a disgusted look on his face anyway....
He asks for my license which I am way too happy to give to him, after I pick up my wallet several times because I can't hold on to it. Lefty has apparently developed seizures, and Righty seems to be off in his own little world. Finally getting my license out, I give it to him, and he tells me to have a seat on the curb there. Okay, no problem I can do that! Legs are a little weak and having a hard time standing anyway.
He goes back to his patrol car, and after what seems to be hours, finally comes back in a much more friendly mood. He gives me my license back, which I stuff in a pocket, not wanting to repeat the wallet dropping routine again.
He apologizes, tells me I'm free to go. Now, I finally find out what Noisy Cop Car was all about. It seems that Noisy Cop had attempted to pull over the little red car, which for some reason didn't really want to do that. Noisy Cop chased little red car into the parking lot there, and when little red car figured out that it couldn't get out of the lot from where it was without running over Noisy Cop, the person driving little red car decided to hop out and take a stroll, er, jog, okay, it was a flat out running away episode, all right?
So, the officer belonging to Noisy Cop Car hops out, and goes running after him. Apparently this officer is not the fastest runner in the world, because he looses sight of Sir Speedy.
Now, Scary Cop, knowing that Noisy Cop has lost Sir Speedy, sees me trying to leave the parking lot and wonders to himself if that could possibly be Sir Speedy in a "borrowed" vehicle, trying to put some distance between himself and Noisy Cop. So, Scary Cop decides to check me out and see if I'm the Big Bad Guy. Um, NO! I'm just a guy trying to get home before my ice cream melts.
Scary Cop apologizes again, tells me to have a nice night (yeah, right! Still shaking like a leaf!) and goes over to help Noisy find Sir Speedy.
I walk the half mile to where I threw my keys, pick them up and go sit in my car and smoke a cigarette and have a mini nervous breakdown before heading for the house. That was a BIG frickin Gun barrel I was looking down, dag nab it!
So, did I make it home before the Klondike Bars went south? Hell if I know, I had kinda lost my appetite for Ice Cream. By the time I got home all I wanted was a refreshing change of underwear, and a nice adult beverage....okay, three of them....Ice Cream is in the freezer for another night.
So, how was your night?
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Originally Posted by Naismith
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