I Miss Iraq. I Miss My Gun. I Miss My War

[CybrSlydr]

A few months ago, I found a Web site loaded with pictures and videos from Iraq, the sort that usually aren't seen on the news. I watched insurgent snipers shoot American soldiers and car bombs disintegrate markets, accompanied by tinny music and loud, rhythmic chanting, the soundtrack of the propaganda campaigns. Video cameras focused on empty stretches of road, building anticipation. Humvees rolled into view and the explosions brought mushroom clouds of dirt and smoke and chunks of metal spinning through the air. Other videos and pictures showed insurgents shot dead while planting roadside bombs or killed in firefights and the remains of suicide bombers, people how they're not meant to be seen, no longer whole. The images sickened me, but their familiarity pulled me in, giving comfort, and I couldn't stop. I clicked through more frames, hungry for it. This must be what a shot of dope feels like after a long stretch of sobriety. Soothing and nauseating and colored by everything that has come before. My body tingled and my stomach ached, hollow. I stood on weak legs and walked into the kitchen to make dinner. I sliced half an onion before putting the knife down and watching slight tremors run through my hand. The shakiness lingered. I drank a beer. And as I leaned against this kitchen counter, in this house, in America, my life felt very foreign.

I've been home from Iraq for more than a year, long enough for my time there to become a memory best forgotten for those who worried every day that I was gone. I could see their relief when I returned. Life could continue, with futures not so uncertain. But in quiet moments, their relief brought me guilt. Maybe they assume I was as overjoyed to be home as they were to have me home. Maybe they assume if I could do it over, I never would have gone. And maybe I wouldn't have. But I miss Iraq. I miss the war. I miss war. And I have a very hard time understanding why.

Read more: I Miss Iraq. I Miss My Gun. I Miss My War. - Esquire http://www.esquire.com/features/essa...#ixzz2NcLkadRO

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This is an amazing article. Talking with my Battle's, a lot of us feel this way too.

Afghanistan was the only time I really felt like a Soldier - kicking down mud walls, being the #2 man through the door, sprinting for all you're worth to your truck on QRF because your buddies lives depend on it... Just something you can't replace. Being a Soldier means something completely different to the Specialist/Corporal who went downrange to Iraq/Afghanistan than the 3yr Specialist who never deployed, especially what it means to those career E6/7s who deployed 5+ times.

And talking about it amongst our Battle Bretheren is our therapy. Posting about it here, with a lot of military vets who understand, is therapy for me too. It's also trying to spread the message to others who might not have heard it, so they can decompress about it too.

[rdaniell]

Hey CybrSlydr,

I would like to encourage you to post all you want to here at the Outhouse as you are right.....there are others here who can identify with your thoughts and feelings.

My experiences were a much longer time ago than yours but, some things just don't change. Only a couple weeks ago, I shared with a group of vets that I have never really felt more "alive" than when dropping flares up over the "trail."

I made a similar comment some years ago to some of my fellow professors. Most of them just looked at me like I was crazy.:isadizzy: One didn't. He was a former F-4 pilot.

RD

[Jagdflieger]

When I was in basic training prior to going to Vietnam, I saw a message painted on the wall of one of the buildings we marched by.

It simply said:

"For those who have fought for it, Freedom has a flavor the protected will never know."

Over the years, I thought of that wall during every deployment. Now on some nights when I can't sleep and memories of good comrades gone and places best left forgotten flood by; I begin to understand it.

Rest assured that you are not alone in missing what is... such an aberration to a normal life.

[sbp]

CybrSlydr,

Very well stated. I never felt more job satisfaction and accomplishment than I did in my two combat tours way back in the 60's and 70's. Those feelings are still with me and will never diminish.

Carry on, my friend.:salute:

sbp

[CybrSlydr]

Just as a heads up, as I now see reading it, the top part isn't from me - that's the beginning of the article. The bottom portion below the ---- is from me.

[Daveroo]

im not ex-military of any kind and i really regret that,i was 18years old in 1980,for the most part it was a peaceful time ,i had litterally joined the fire department on my birthday as i turned 18,,i was already racing cars,and had a good job wiith my family owned business...i could see no reason to join.as i stated,i regret this...my "hobbies" all revolve around military subjects,flight simulator with the military aircraft,i own over 1000 books which are mostly techical type books about my real passion...armored fighting vehicles,and soft skined trucks..

all that said...i have the highest respect for all those who did serve,and i thank you all for your service to your countries...

[Panther_99FS]

Yes...
As I prep for my retirement after 24 years active duty, your mind is never really the same after your first deployment....I'm still sifting through some philosophical things....

[txnetcop]

CyberSlydr you have stated something that only the combat veteran can really understand. One of the first things I thought when I left my buddies is that I felt I was deserting them. Many of the guys who re-upped in country did so because they didn't wanna leave their buddies. It is also true that despite the danger you felt like you were contributing something worthwhile. Most important you felt like you were doing the job you were paid to do...soldier! No, this isn't hard to understand at all if you were there. Thanks for posting this.
Ted

[Panther_99FS]

This may sound a bit dopey or nerdy....
But when I reflect, I can't help but think that at times, can it be as simple as Star Trek's Captain Kirks last few words before he passed in the film Generations:


"Did we make a difference?"

[CWOJackson]

This may sound a bit dopey or nerdy....
But when I reflect, I can't help but think that at times, can it be as simple as Star Trek's Captain Kirks last few words before he passed in the film Generations:


"Did we make a difference?"

If you're asking yourself that question then most likely you did make a difference.

[CybrSlydr]

If you're asking yourself that question then most likely you did make a difference.

I'm not so certain.

Truly, on an individual level, there are people there who have changed for the Western-better because of our presence, the example we put forth. But on the whole, the only way to make Afghanistan/Iraq "better" (more Western) is to revamp their entire culture. We can't do that - well, we could but the price would be nothing short of wiping them out to rebuild in our image, and that would take generations.

IMHO, all we really did was cork the proverbial bottle, if that. The pressure is still there and will build and boil over again soon enough.

[Panther_99FS]

Cyber,
I'm quite confident that you did make a difference - try and explore the areas that your mind wouldn't think of......For example, did you make a difference for just one individual......

[Panther_99FS]

Oh and to add....
Again as I prep for retirement, a few weeks ago the following realization dawned upon me...and that was:

For the first time in 24 years, I will be doing things for me.

You veterans know exactly what I'm talking about. For 24 years, my life has been wrapped around what can "we" do & what can we do for "them".....

[TARPSBird]

If I didn't think I made a difference it would be hard for me to justify my 26 years in the Navy. I worked hard to do the best job I could at whatever I was assigned. I trained a bunch of people so they could do their jobs and accomplish the mission. I pushed pride and professionalism as part of my troops' work ethic. And... I usually had fun doing all of it.
But I have to admit, as I sit here late at night typing, with nothing of much importance on the schedule for tomorrow, I would be a liar if I said I don't miss the shipboard environment, the launch and recovery cycles of flight ops, and the noise of aircraft moving across the flight deck over my head. I turn 65 next month and if I live to be 105 I'm sure my ancient brain will still occasionally wander back to those times when I was out there, making a difference.

[glh]

I'm not so certain.

Truly, on an individual level, there are people there who have changed for the Western-better because of our presence, the example we put forth. But on the whole, the only way to make Afghanistan/Iraq "better" (more Western) is to revamp their entire culture. We can't do that - well, we could but the price would be nothing short of wiping them out to rebuild in our image, and that would take generations.

IMHO, all we really did was cork the proverbial bottle, if that. The pressure is still there and will build and boil over again soon enough.

======================
Whether or not we made any difference anywhere will be revealed in the years after we depart.

And I agree with your opinion. Afghanistan and Iraq WILL revert back to the tribal conflicts that existed prior to our intervention because it has existed for centuries and it's all they have. There is no tradition for democracy there -- we are the current devils existent there and will remain so until new one(s) can be found.

[txnetcop]

I also had to ask myself years later Panther whether or not what I did made a difference...we lost our war through bad political decisions and the loss of faith back home that what we were doing was right. What these young men and women are doing today is even more important than we realize. We either stand against their form of aggression or bow the knee and take what comes. The truth is that peace at any price is no peace at all. What bothered me the most was why I felt like I wanted to be back in that war and why I felt that I deserted my friends when I PCS'd as some of them didn't come back. Cyber this is good post. I don't know that you ever really resolve these things but one thing I do know is that those whom I served with did make a difference at the time. Unlike a certain politician's lies at the time who is now serving at the head of the State Dept., we were not wild-eyed kids running around cutting ears off of our enemies and killing indiscriminately. We were soldiers, not mercenaries! We came to serve the will of the people at that time.
Ted

[TeaSea]

Actually glh I disagree with you....I believe Afghanistan and Iraq will change....but they will not revert. 3.2 Million girls attend primary and secondary education in Afghanistan. It was less than 50,000 prior to our arrival. That's just one little number. You cannot make such a radical change in an environment like that without real lasting impact. As for violence, that part of the world reverts to violence easily, but let me point out that I was actually statistically safer in Kandahar than I would have been in Chicago (which has it's own tribal -- read "Gang"--violence).

Iraq is largely peaceful, and the instances of political violence have dropped dramatically, even before our withdrawal. Remember, we went in because of a threat to our interests. Now, the government of Iraq is not obligated to the U.S. or Britain and will form its own alliances, some we will want to keep an eye on, but that's what nations do. There are no killing fields and mass graves being produced in Iraq anymore.

Regards CybrSlydr's original comments.....yeah, you sort of miss that stuff. I did 3 tours involving combat in various engagements (Somalia, Bosnia, Afghanistan) around the world. I wasn't under any particular threat much of the time, but I and the folks I was with worked hard and made stuff happen.

You sort of feel nostalgic....up until the point you need to use the toilet!

Then you get over that.

Panther....GET YOUR PHYSICAL AND A COPY OF YOUR MEDICAL RECORDS!!!!

[wombat666]

I don't miss any 'Wars', be they large or small, based on my experiences spanning the years between Asia all the way to the Balkans, with operations through the intervening years in more countries than I can mention.
I believe most long serving 'Regulars' in my circle of mates think much the same.
Have we made a difference??
Depends on how you analyse the question and I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

[Daveroo]

again...im not military..but reading more of the posts,i feel i need to say this..as to making a differance...well in world war two.....Hitler was stopped from continuing his "evil"..as were the Japanese ( the german's are allways singled out in world war two for the "Holocaust",but look at what Japan did in China and other places in the South Pacific...they were down right cruel, beheading children in front of the mother,for no more reason than to amuse themselves,the battan death march..the lists go on and on...may not have been one major operation like the "final solution" the Nazi's had..but just as deadly and uncaring) the russians went much better,,killing 10,000 of their own men for having fallen back to reorginise ,but Comrade Stalin saw it as cowardice and a retreat..so as an example to the rest of his army...he had them all shot....there were german POWs still used as slaves as late at the 70s from what ive read...and even some americans..

in Iraq..Saddam Hussain is gone..ask most people and they will tell you pres bush is a war criminal as there were not any "weapons of mass destruction" found,yet Iran,Syria and other small countries suddenly had nuclear capability,odd that..and they also claim we "stole all of Iraq's oil...well where is all that oil we stole??...why is gas so expencive here still?...if we stole oil with every war we start..as people seem to think...why arent we "The USA" the oil barrons of the world?...and did yall make a differance to the people?....they may not change theyre socalled tribal ways..but thats ok..thats the Islamic way,and that too is ok...where YOU DID make a differance is...Hussain isnt around anymore to send mustard gas in to the kurdish people,killing thousands of people yearly....just to test chemical weapons....

and in afganistan???...well yall chased the taliban to afganistan,most afganies seem to embrace the new found freedoms..as it is..women have more rights,,they have tv in some places...its not alot..but its something..girls can go to school...and bin laudin is now dead...

some of you saw combat..some of you pushed pencils..some of you gave orders..some of you just obeyed orders....but ALL of you made a differance...

[T Square]

CybrSlydr

I have read your post and it has been on my mind ever since, I'm still having a hard time collecting my thoughts. I know how you feel, having been in the Air Force, my experiences were not the same as yours, we touched and were touched by our experiences in different ways. My Catholic upbringing says to me I have earned my place in hell, I spent 30 years of my life in the black art of killing people on a massive scale, and yet part of me is saying God help me I'd do it all again in a heartbeat, the greatest feeling for a weapons troop was when an aircraft we loaded came back clean, at that moment one never thinks about who was on the receiving end of all that destruction, that comes later. There are things I have resolved within myself and things that I probably never will. As far as making a difference, I like to think that everyone makes a difference in this life from the moment we take our first breath to the last, the best we can strive for is that the positive outweights the negative.

[CybrSlydr]

It's a pretty impressive sight when you hear munitions are incoming (JDAM), see an F16 fly past at about 15k and then a few seconds later... this hissing/buzzing and BOOOOOOOOOM! The area about 500ft away from you just erupts. Especially when it reveals that of the 6 or so guys shooting at you there are only enough parts to put together about half a person.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k42t9IRpaAE

[glh]

When I begin to see/hear of memorials such as those in the link below built to honor the sacrifice of our troops and those of other NATO countries being built, maintained and NOT desecrated, I will start to believe we made a difference. There will not be any cemeteries because I believe we now return all our dead to the CONUS.

http://www.abmc.gov/memorials/memorials.php

If I see/hear of a LOCAL memorial such as that built by St. Mere-Eglise in France to honor the troops of the 82nd Airborne who jumped into Normandy on the night of 5/6 June 1944, fought it out with the Germans on the ground and began to free the European continent, I will start to believe we made a difference.

But I was a USAF veteran of Vietnam from 1968. I don't see/hear of any memorials built to honor my fellow vets -- IN VIETNAM -- so I don't see we made any real difference there. I'll change my mind on Afghanistan and Iraq when they honor the troops who died helping to free them. But I'm now 67 years old and I'm sure not holding my breath.

[Jagdflieger]

Perhaps our contributions at the "macro" level are diluted by the contributions or failures of many...

At the "micro" level though, our contributions are immediate and noticed. Having started my wars in VN, I was tempered to think at the "micro" level of my squad and platoon and later of my team, company or the foreign units that I advised or trained. At that level, putting bombs on a plane, shells in a canon, putting rounds on target, watching your buddies six, consoling a friend at a time of sorrow or helping men understand their losses or achievements was always more important to me than the stated US policy for the region or conflict. By everyone making a difference at the "micro" level, the "macro" level in theory should take care of itself. Sadly, not always true, but that's how it works.

We used to sum it up when referring to a soldier that was of value by saying: "He does/did his job." Nothing further was needed and it was a compliment that outweighed decorations or official ceremony.

Cyber, I think that you did your job and then some. You paid a price that will haunt you forever; both physically and as so many here have noted, in your memories too.

A salute to the brethren.:salute:

[TeaSea]

I don't miss any 'Wars', be they large or small, based on my experiences spanning the years between Asia all the way to the Balkans, with operations through the intervening years in more countries than I can mention.
I believe most long serving 'Regulars' in my circle of mates think much the same.
Have we made a difference??
Depends on how you analyse the question and I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

I don't think anyone misses a war. That's not what cyber was saying.

If you are still keeping up,with your mates, then you really know what he meant.

[wombat666]

TeaSea,

We keep in touch.
Always were a tight unit and we will always remain so.
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